Over a year before my husband died, we decided that it was time for us to move -- I was newly unemployed and job hunting, the real estate market had radically changed in the past 10 years, and with retirement fast approaching, we both knew we didn't want to spend our retirement years here. Moving made perfect sense when he was alive -- better climate, reduced routine expenses, and closer to my family. It makes even more sense now that he's gone.
There's just one catch -- the move itself. Every time I"ve moved in the past, someone else had to handle the actual moves, and my stuff was in many boxes marked "misc". During the moves since my husband and I met, he handled everything almost completely. My responsibility was mostly centered around moving the critters, and getting Internet connected. I have so much trouble with moving that even though I've always hated the lowcountry climate since I first moved here with my family when I was 15, I still live in the same lowcountry town all these many years later. and now I have to orchestrate this move pretty much on my own.
Even moving desks at work would often result in a friend helping me, and indeed pushing a bit. Laura Nagle has suggested that Autists have emotions for which we do not as yet have names. For me, my "dislike" of moving could be one such emotion. This is an emotion that lay at a convergence of "fear of the unknown", "fear of failure", "overwhelming resistance to change", but at it's core is an extremely uncomfortable disruption in my routine that threatens to overwhelm into shutdown. As I've mentioned, I'm a pattern-thinker, and patterns don't easily translate into linear anything. The best way I can describe this pattern is to compare it to those optical illusion graphics that make one dizzy and nauseous.
This move will be a change for the better overall, but getting through it . . . .
As I've said many times on many subjects, firsts are always the hardest.
Yes, I do have family who can, and I have no doubt will, help if it comes down to that, but we have an elderly relative who is also moving and who also needs help and even NTs can only be spread so thin. 54 years old is plenty grown up even for an Aspie, and I'm determined to do this on my own as much as I am able.
Fortunately I'm in a financial position that allows a less than tight timeline for the move. This allows me to focus on simply making the move happen.
Since the overall picture is so overwhelming, to the point of threatening shutdown, I'm focusing on individual tasks that need to happen, with a "just don't look down" type of attitude. Just don't look at the overall pattern
My first priority was to find a house -- it would be easier to wrap my head around this if I know where I'm going. Currently I have found a property that is perfect for me, but there is a glitch with the title, so the purchase is in limbo for up to 2 months, until the seller clears the title. Frankly, limbo is working for me. I am reasonably certain I know where I'm going, but I have time before I can make this move.
The next priority is packing up this house. I'm dealing with this by trying to each day fill either a trash bag of stuff I'm not keeping, or filling at least one box of stuff I am keeping. This makes for a small manageable goal that can be done and dealt with before becoming overwhelming. This also make it part of my daily routine. The ultimate goal is to have everything not in routine use packed before the glitch with the title is resolved.
These days, most of my communications with she_who_should_have_been_born_my_twin_sister start with "today's progress:" followed by what I boxed up, threw out or what corner/cabinet I cleaned out.
I am, of course, planning to hire movers to haul everything to the new house, and may hire them snowplow stuff into boxes if I can't get it all boxed in time.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
How to survive the death of a loved one
Three months ago, my husband of many years had a fatal heart attack, and by all accounts had crossed over before the ambulance reached the hospital. I'm still a mess, but thought it might be helpful to other Aspies if I were to post some notes on ways I've found to manage.
* first off, breathe. Breathing out and breathing in work together. Make certain you do them both regularly. Life goes on; the living go on living.
Spending some time focusing your mind on breathing out and in can also help still and soothe your mind and heart and soul
* Remember to eat on schedule. Further upsetting your system by skipping meals isn't going to help.
* Cry. Just let go. Let it all out. Express your grief. When you feel like crying, cry and wail until you can cry no more. Nobody ever literally drowned in their own tears. In fact, I've often been amazed how quickly the storm of tears burns itself out, if I just give in and let them flow. If you are only comfortable crying in private, this will help you maintain control when others are around. Make certain to clear your sinuses after each round of tears, especially if you are prone to sinus infections.
* Simplify. This is a time to definitely put off to tomorrow anything doesn't need to happen today. Focus on what does need to get done. If all you feel up to doing that first week is wrapping your weighted blanket around you and just sit trying to absorb and process events, research the Jewish custom of Sitting Shiva. Frankly, this is the only funeral custom I've found that makes sense to me. ymmv
* Even NTs often reduce their level of social activity for a period of time after a death in their inner circle. If you feel something social would be too much for you in this time, just say so, in so many words. Remember most NTs recharge by being social, and have no idea that we do not. When declining social invitations, remember their intent was almost certainly to try to comfort. If you wish to see the person who issued the invitation, but just not now or yet, say so in so many words.
* if the dearly departed was also part of your daily routine, that routine is forever changed. Face this fact square on, and embrace it. There is no way to go back, the only way open is forward. You will have to establish new routines. One way to do this is to make some additional subtle changes to how you used to do things, to shift your focus away from the pain a bit.
* Stim early and often. Just as you would consume fluids ahead of perceived need while working out in the hot sun, stim ahead of perceived need during this time. Just be careful of less healthy food stims. If your best stim is hot fries, or other crunchy munchies, closely monitor and be aware of your intake, and try to find a healthier alternative (more on substituting healthier stims in an upcoming blog post).
* Firsts are always the hardest. Each repetition gets easier than that last. The first time I went to the grocery store I teared up, if not outright cried, over every item that was no longer on the grocery list. Three months later, I can even go past the coffee without tears.
* make at least some time for your special interests. When approaching special interests that bring back memories of the departed remember that firsts are the hardest, but it gets easier as you establish new habits. If it's too painful, you may need to, at least temporary, focus your attention elsewhere. If the special interest is a game, try making some change in how you play that makes it different from how you played with the departed. Once the initial pain wears off, these shared interests will become a comfort. While you may need to take it slow with them for a while, do not give up on them.
* If you are forced to attend services, recruit an NT (or at least more NT/functional than you are at the moment) friend or relative with whom you are comfortable and able to communicate, to accompany you. Let this friend carry the conversations if you aren't up to talking much.
* health issues that had long been successfully managed may well become worse due to the stress alone. Others that have not yet been diagnosed may well cross the threshold. If you have a history of glucose problems, go back to testing regularly for a few months.
If you notice you are no longer particularly sad, but you still feel like crud physically, get thee to a physician posthaste!
* each day look for a positive. Find one thing, however small, that brightens your day. Do not feel guilty if the positive is something like you can now go all out wild with hot peppers in the chili. When life gives you lemons, one does not feel guilty about enjoying the proverbial lemonade.
* Lastly, if someone you are comfortable around wishes to clean your kitchen for you, let him :-)
For family and friends of a grieving Aspie/Autie:
* lack of traditional emotional display does not indicate lack of feeling. It is far more likely to indicate too much overwhelming emotion, or a shutdown from too much overwhelming emotion and stress. Stims, including some that have been long dormant in public, may be seen. Excessive stimming, be it public or private, is itself a clear indicator of distress.
Also, emotional release requires letting one's guard down, letting the mask, rough and imperfect as it might be, we present to the public slip. For many of us, doing this in public is scary, and not easily done under good circumstances. If I cry in public, it is a clear indicator of endocrine dysfunction, and has been know to lead to full meltdown.
Several people have commented on how well I'm taking my husband's death -- Part of the reason I appear to be doing so well (1) is my deep faith in the existence of the afterlife, in fact a friend with known psychic abilities reported that night my husband was "dancing a jig" at the realization that the afterlife does exist. I have the comfort of being certain he is happier now than is ever possible while in physical. My grief is for myself, not for him (2) nobody has seen me weeping and wailing in the night . . . or the broad daylight -- I can only let go like that in private. In fact, when my father died, I'd go into the shower to cry because I couldn't even let go in front of my husband.
* Remember that for many of us, such extreme stresses have an extremely negative effect on ability to function. Spoken language may not be the language of thought, as many of us do our deepest thinking in pictures or patterns. As a direct result, every spoken communication not previously scripted needs to be translated before it can be said. Routine phrases and scripts may still be easy enough, while articulating deeper emotions may become far more difficult than normal for a time.
* Special interests are how we recharge. When under stress, of even mundane sources, it is very helpful is we are able to engage our special interests in peace. If an Aspie is not engaging in a special interest during this time, it is cause for concern.
* there will be a tendency to cling to whatever routine is left. This can result in the Aspie/Autie attempting to to more than is advisable at this time.
* keep in mind that for many of us, traditional services for the dead mean only the discomfort of being among people and trying to act "normal". This has nothing to do with how deeply we cared about the departed. Frankly I never feel close to the departed during a funeral service -- there is too much else going on for me to relax and tune in. If I want to feel close to my Mom, who was my best friend while she was alive, I don't go to her graveside, because, in my mind, all that is there is a vacant vehicle. I go to a garden, preferably one with roses in bloom. When I attend a funeral service, it is out of *respect* for the departed, or because I don't want said of me "She didn't even attend her own ___(fill in blank)__'s funeral". not because I have any particular desire to be there.
* first off, breathe. Breathing out and breathing in work together. Make certain you do them both regularly. Life goes on; the living go on living.
Spending some time focusing your mind on breathing out and in can also help still and soothe your mind and heart and soul
* Remember to eat on schedule. Further upsetting your system by skipping meals isn't going to help.
* Cry. Just let go. Let it all out. Express your grief. When you feel like crying, cry and wail until you can cry no more. Nobody ever literally drowned in their own tears. In fact, I've often been amazed how quickly the storm of tears burns itself out, if I just give in and let them flow. If you are only comfortable crying in private, this will help you maintain control when others are around. Make certain to clear your sinuses after each round of tears, especially if you are prone to sinus infections.
* Simplify. This is a time to definitely put off to tomorrow anything doesn't need to happen today. Focus on what does need to get done. If all you feel up to doing that first week is wrapping your weighted blanket around you and just sit trying to absorb and process events, research the Jewish custom of Sitting Shiva. Frankly, this is the only funeral custom I've found that makes sense to me. ymmv
* Even NTs often reduce their level of social activity for a period of time after a death in their inner circle. If you feel something social would be too much for you in this time, just say so, in so many words. Remember most NTs recharge by being social, and have no idea that we do not. When declining social invitations, remember their intent was almost certainly to try to comfort. If you wish to see the person who issued the invitation, but just not now or yet, say so in so many words.
* if the dearly departed was also part of your daily routine, that routine is forever changed. Face this fact square on, and embrace it. There is no way to go back, the only way open is forward. You will have to establish new routines. One way to do this is to make some additional subtle changes to how you used to do things, to shift your focus away from the pain a bit.
* Stim early and often. Just as you would consume fluids ahead of perceived need while working out in the hot sun, stim ahead of perceived need during this time. Just be careful of less healthy food stims. If your best stim is hot fries, or other crunchy munchies, closely monitor and be aware of your intake, and try to find a healthier alternative (more on substituting healthier stims in an upcoming blog post).
* Firsts are always the hardest. Each repetition gets easier than that last. The first time I went to the grocery store I teared up, if not outright cried, over every item that was no longer on the grocery list. Three months later, I can even go past the coffee without tears.
* make at least some time for your special interests. When approaching special interests that bring back memories of the departed remember that firsts are the hardest, but it gets easier as you establish new habits. If it's too painful, you may need to, at least temporary, focus your attention elsewhere. If the special interest is a game, try making some change in how you play that makes it different from how you played with the departed. Once the initial pain wears off, these shared interests will become a comfort. While you may need to take it slow with them for a while, do not give up on them.
* If you are forced to attend services, recruit an NT (or at least more NT/functional than you are at the moment) friend or relative with whom you are comfortable and able to communicate, to accompany you. Let this friend carry the conversations if you aren't up to talking much.
* health issues that had long been successfully managed may well become worse due to the stress alone. Others that have not yet been diagnosed may well cross the threshold. If you have a history of glucose problems, go back to testing regularly for a few months.
If you notice you are no longer particularly sad, but you still feel like crud physically, get thee to a physician posthaste!
* each day look for a positive. Find one thing, however small, that brightens your day. Do not feel guilty if the positive is something like you can now go all out wild with hot peppers in the chili. When life gives you lemons, one does not feel guilty about enjoying the proverbial lemonade.
* Lastly, if someone you are comfortable around wishes to clean your kitchen for you, let him :-)
For family and friends of a grieving Aspie/Autie:
* lack of traditional emotional display does not indicate lack of feeling. It is far more likely to indicate too much overwhelming emotion, or a shutdown from too much overwhelming emotion and stress. Stims, including some that have been long dormant in public, may be seen. Excessive stimming, be it public or private, is itself a clear indicator of distress.
Also, emotional release requires letting one's guard down, letting the mask, rough and imperfect as it might be, we present to the public slip. For many of us, doing this in public is scary, and not easily done under good circumstances. If I cry in public, it is a clear indicator of endocrine dysfunction, and has been know to lead to full meltdown.
Several people have commented on how well I'm taking my husband's death -- Part of the reason I appear to be doing so well (1) is my deep faith in the existence of the afterlife, in fact a friend with known psychic abilities reported that night my husband was "dancing a jig" at the realization that the afterlife does exist. I have the comfort of being certain he is happier now than is ever possible while in physical. My grief is for myself, not for him (2) nobody has seen me weeping and wailing in the night . . . or the broad daylight -- I can only let go like that in private. In fact, when my father died, I'd go into the shower to cry because I couldn't even let go in front of my husband.
* Remember that for many of us, such extreme stresses have an extremely negative effect on ability to function. Spoken language may not be the language of thought, as many of us do our deepest thinking in pictures or patterns. As a direct result, every spoken communication not previously scripted needs to be translated before it can be said. Routine phrases and scripts may still be easy enough, while articulating deeper emotions may become far more difficult than normal for a time.
* Special interests are how we recharge. When under stress, of even mundane sources, it is very helpful is we are able to engage our special interests in peace. If an Aspie is not engaging in a special interest during this time, it is cause for concern.
* there will be a tendency to cling to whatever routine is left. This can result in the Aspie/Autie attempting to to more than is advisable at this time.
* keep in mind that for many of us, traditional services for the dead mean only the discomfort of being among people and trying to act "normal". This has nothing to do with how deeply we cared about the departed. Frankly I never feel close to the departed during a funeral service -- there is too much else going on for me to relax and tune in. If I want to feel close to my Mom, who was my best friend while she was alive, I don't go to her graveside, because, in my mind, all that is there is a vacant vehicle. I go to a garden, preferably one with roses in bloom. When I attend a funeral service, it is out of *respect* for the departed, or because I don't want said of me "She didn't even attend her own ___(fill in blank)__'s funeral". not because I have any particular desire to be there.
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