It has only been a year since I realized that I am on the Autism spectrum. As with many spectrumites of my generation, this realization occurred in the wake of a member of a younger generation being diagnosed. I am still marveling at the fact that I am not a failure, lazy, crazy, stupid or a crybaby. Functioning in society truly isn't this hard for everyone.
Although I have only recently come to understand that this label applies to my reality, I have been living with Autism for over 50 years. As long as I can remember, I have always been out of step with the rest of the world, and try as I might, I could never quite figure out the reason, rhyme or rhythm of that step.
It's like being blind/deaf to the subtler nuances, and deeper currents of human interaction. Although I can sometimes puzzle it out after the fact, I still miss much in real time. Needless to say, the strain and stress of trying to anticipate what I am certain to be missing can be exhausting especially in new situations or around new people, and most especially when missing a cue is likely to cause something important to come crashing down around me. The anxiety over what I may be missing also wears on a person, and is something I must watch for because too much anxiety cascades into depression and eventually into complete shutdown.
It turns out one of my long-time health issues is related to being on the Autistic spectrum: Insomnia. My ability to sleep restfully improved greatly when I discovered Melatonin many years ago. Through trial and error over the years, I've found that 30mg a night usually gets me 6 to 7 hours of sleep. Usually . . if the room is dark . . and quiet . . . and I'm listening to music engineered to induce delta (deep sleep) waves in the brain. I don't need soothing lullabies. I need music with undertow.
Many of the communications problems spectrumites encounter seem to have their roots in the fact that our brains are actually wired differently, and there for function differently from those of neurotypicals. Some Autistics, like Dr Temple Grandin literally think in photorealistic pictures. Some think in words.
Some are pattern thinkers -- always looking for how each new bit of data connects with the others. A pattern is not easy to translate into a linear string of characters or sounds.
Even my writing is non-linear. I start by jotting down a few sentences on the page, like an artist sketching the outline of what he is planning to paint, then fill in line by line as the inspiration hits, frequently going back to touch up phrases that aren't quite right, or adding additional detail and flavor. The effort is time consuming and often draining, but I do often get complements on the result.
But you know what? even with the challenges and pain, I would not trade my reality for another. There is much in my life that brings me happiness that I would not wish to forfeit. Not just my husband, who I would never have met were it not for my special interest in ancient history (yes, contrary to popular stereotype, I'm female and many years married ).
The official Autistic Speaking Day blog (http://autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com/) describes this holiday's purpose as "To raising Autism awareness and Acceptance, and battling negative stereotypes about Autism."
Acceptance. to be accepted as I am.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if people understood that social ability is not the only measure of working ability? or a measure of the sum total of a person's intelligence?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to pass for neurotypical during a job interview, I could just say: "I'm an Aspie. These are my special interests and this is how they map to this job" It would be wonderful and would certainly tell them more about my ability to do the job than all those silly questions about improbable scenarios that HR is usually so fond of.
It would also be wonderful to be able to seek official diagnosis and advice without fear of discrimination by medical insurance companies and employers.
