It has only been a year since I realized that I am on the Autism spectrum. As with many spectrumites of my generation, this realization occurred in the wake of a member of a younger generation being diagnosed. I am still marveling at the fact that I am not a failure, lazy, crazy, stupid or a crybaby. Functioning in society truly isn't this hard for everyone.
Although I have only recently come to understand that this label applies to my reality, I have been living with Autism for over 50 years. As long as I can remember, I have always been out of step with the rest of the world, and try as I might, I could never quite figure out the reason, rhyme or rhythm of that step.
It's like being blind/deaf to the subtler nuances, and deeper currents of human interaction. Although I can sometimes puzzle it out after the fact, I still miss much in real time. Needless to say, the strain and stress of trying to anticipate what I am certain to be missing can be exhausting especially in new situations or around new people, and most especially when missing a cue is likely to cause something important to come crashing down around me. The anxiety over what I may be missing also wears on a person, and is something I must watch for because too much anxiety cascades into depression and eventually into complete shutdown.
It turns out one of my long-time health issues is related to being on the Autistic spectrum: Insomnia. My ability to sleep restfully improved greatly when I discovered Melatonin many years ago. Through trial and error over the years, I've found that 30mg a night usually gets me 6 to 7 hours of sleep. Usually . . if the room is dark . . and quiet . . . and I'm listening to music engineered to induce delta (deep sleep) waves in the brain. I don't need soothing lullabies. I need music with undertow.
Many of the communications problems spectrumites encounter seem to have their roots in the fact that our brains are actually wired differently, and there for function differently from those of neurotypicals. Some Autistics, like Dr Temple Grandin literally think in photorealistic pictures. Some think in words.
Some are pattern thinkers -- always looking for how each new bit of data connects with the others. A pattern is not easy to translate into a linear string of characters or sounds.
Even my writing is non-linear. I start by jotting down a few sentences on the page, like an artist sketching the outline of what he is planning to paint, then fill in line by line as the inspiration hits, frequently going back to touch up phrases that aren't quite right, or adding additional detail and flavor. The effort is time consuming and often draining, but I do often get complements on the result.
But you know what? even with the challenges and pain, I would not trade my reality for another. There is much in my life that brings me happiness that I would not wish to forfeit. Not just my husband, who I would never have met were it not for my special interest in ancient history (yes, contrary to popular stereotype, I'm female and many years married ).
The official Autistic Speaking Day blog (http://autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com/) describes this holiday's purpose as "To raising Autism awareness and Acceptance, and battling negative stereotypes about Autism."
Acceptance. to be accepted as I am.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if people understood that social ability is not the only measure of working ability? or a measure of the sum total of a person's intelligence?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to pass for neurotypical during a job interview, I could just say: "I'm an Aspie. These are my special interests and this is how they map to this job" It would be wonderful and would certainly tell them more about my ability to do the job than all those silly questions about improbable scenarios that HR is usually so fond of.
It would also be wonderful to be able to seek official diagnosis and advice without fear of discrimination by medical insurance companies and employers.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Tools for the AspieEdge
The theory that I'm an Aspie does, however, present a whole new arsenal of tools and techniques to hack whatever I find in my path:
* weighted blankets: I've always found that I sleep better on cold nights when I can pile blankets on the bed, so after reading about weighted blankets, I bought 25# of pellets and some muslin and made me one -- I absolutely love it! because I wanted to keep the weight under 20# for the sake of the washing machine, it is only 36" by 42". The plan is to add another panel should it be needed to make it full sized. The first time I pulled it over me, I just melted into the bed. The continual race of ideas and thoughts slowed and stilled, even more than during meditation. The next morning I seriously wondered if I had made it too heavy because I woke with all over muscle aches, but pondering it over the next few days I realized that the aches were from sleeping so very soundly.
* stimming: Stims are ways Autistics calm and normalize their nervous systems, with rocking, spinning and flapping being the most stereotypical. I've always loved rocking chairs. Now I know why. I remember enjoying spinning around until I dizzily fell into the couch when I was a kid, so I tried spinning. For safety's sake, I do it by the kitchen sink, where I can keep one hand firmly on the counter at all times. This proved to be the perfect remedy to prevent an impending stress-induced meltdown or even shutdown.
* books such as _A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior _ by Ian Ford helped me understand why some of the things I have, over the years, found to work do work. Such as making certain I warmly greet co-workers when I first encounter them in the morning, or warmly asking how their weekend was on Mondays.
* Aspie/Autie forums such as Wrong Planet (http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html): When I first started reading WrongPlanet, I felt like I had come home.
* nutrition: although I do not appear to have any problems with gluten or casein, boosting my intake of some of the aminos does seem to help. Most of these I was already taking because I tried them for other issues and discovered that they work for me.
* weighted blankets: I've always found that I sleep better on cold nights when I can pile blankets on the bed, so after reading about weighted blankets, I bought 25# of pellets and some muslin and made me one -- I absolutely love it! because I wanted to keep the weight under 20# for the sake of the washing machine, it is only 36" by 42". The plan is to add another panel should it be needed to make it full sized. The first time I pulled it over me, I just melted into the bed. The continual race of ideas and thoughts slowed and stilled, even more than during meditation. The next morning I seriously wondered if I had made it too heavy because I woke with all over muscle aches, but pondering it over the next few days I realized that the aches were from sleeping so very soundly.
* stimming: Stims are ways Autistics calm and normalize their nervous systems, with rocking, spinning and flapping being the most stereotypical. I've always loved rocking chairs. Now I know why. I remember enjoying spinning around until I dizzily fell into the couch when I was a kid, so I tried spinning. For safety's sake, I do it by the kitchen sink, where I can keep one hand firmly on the counter at all times. This proved to be the perfect remedy to prevent an impending stress-induced meltdown or even shutdown.
* books such as _A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior _ by Ian Ford helped me understand why some of the things I have, over the years, found to work do work. Such as making certain I warmly greet co-workers when I first encounter them in the morning, or warmly asking how their weekend was on Mondays.
* Aspie/Autie forums such as Wrong Planet (http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html): When I first started reading WrongPlanet, I felt like I had come home.
* nutrition: although I do not appear to have any problems with gluten or casein, boosting my intake of some of the aminos does seem to help. Most of these I was already taking because I tried them for other issues and discovered that they work for me.
Monday, April 30, 2012
To diagnose or not to diagnose?
OK, so I'm about 95% certain that I have Asperger's, and the remaining 5% is because nobody remembers if my speech was delayed. (by age 53, delayed speech is the only difference between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism.)
The next question is whether to seek an official diagnosis or not.
In favor of an official diagnosis:
* Stand up and be counted.
* should I need accommodation, an official diagnosis would legally require that accommodations be made.
Against seeking an official diagnosis:
* It's expensive
* It might cause future problems with medical insurance.
* Finding someone qualified, or even able, let alone willing, to diagnose a _53_year_old_ _woman_ who has been able to hold a job for up to 10 years straight will be a problem unto itself.
* Most "experts" require childhood history from the parents - to prove that the traits have been present since birth. While it does make sense since Autism is neurological, it does pose quite a problem for those who were not diagnosed while young. Both my folks are dead, and being the eldest child, there is nobody left alive that remembers my childhood with any clarity. My only sibling is four and a half years younger -- even his earliest recollections will be too late.
* There are no programs for senior Aspies. "Modern" science barely even acknowledges that we exists at all.
* there is no prescription medication for Asperger's -- should I find need something for one of the symptoms, like depression, insomnia, anxiety, or focusing on something outside my current special interests, I can get the prescription for that particular symptom far more easily.
* Given the state of "modern" medicine, and my basic opinion thereof, having an expert agree with me will not make me any more certain, nor will the expert disagreeing with me make me any less certain.
Bottom line: Why bother? There's lots of downside and no usable upside -- If any accommodations are needed and my boss isn't accommodating, then I need to practice frugality and my job hunting skills anyway -- If they want me gone, they'll find a way. Any prescription medication that I may find I need would be for symptoms that can easily be diagnosed individually.
The next question is whether to seek an official diagnosis or not.
In favor of an official diagnosis:
* Stand up and be counted.
* should I need accommodation, an official diagnosis would legally require that accommodations be made.
Against seeking an official diagnosis:
* It's expensive
* It might cause future problems with medical insurance.
* Finding someone qualified, or even able, let alone willing, to diagnose a _53_year_old_ _woman_ who has been able to hold a job for up to 10 years straight will be a problem unto itself.
* Most "experts" require childhood history from the parents - to prove that the traits have been present since birth. While it does make sense since Autism is neurological, it does pose quite a problem for those who were not diagnosed while young. Both my folks are dead, and being the eldest child, there is nobody left alive that remembers my childhood with any clarity. My only sibling is four and a half years younger -- even his earliest recollections will be too late.
* There are no programs for senior Aspies. "Modern" science barely even acknowledges that we exists at all.
* there is no prescription medication for Asperger's -- should I find need something for one of the symptoms, like depression, insomnia, anxiety, or focusing on something outside my current special interests, I can get the prescription for that particular symptom far more easily.
* Given the state of "modern" medicine, and my basic opinion thereof, having an expert agree with me will not make me any more certain, nor will the expert disagreeing with me make me any less certain.
Bottom line: Why bother? There's lots of downside and no usable upside -- If any accommodations are needed and my boss isn't accommodating, then I need to practice frugality and my job hunting skills anyway -- If they want me gone, they'll find a way. Any prescription medication that I may find I need would be for symptoms that can easily be diagnosed individually.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Discovery
Of the three young ladies who I claim as my nieces, the one I've always had the most in common with is my bestest friend's little girl. We both love computers, critters and books, and we both had all kinds of trouble with school, in spite of being smart and getting excellent grades. When she graduated from High School, she had a myriad of social challenges and phobias that were very similar to what I fought when I was her age.
I was a bit stunned when I heard she had been diagnosed with Autism, and that it was so definite that she qualified for disability on the first try.
It took me a while to realize and face the full significance for me personally:
My niece is diagnosed with Autism
She and I are very much alike -- When I was her age, I wasn't doing much better than she is now.
. . . .could it be that I too am on the spectrum? I finally wondered.
I started reading everything I could find on Autism and Asperger's. The more I read, the more the past 50+ years began to make sense. I found a list of Aspie traits as it manifests in girls [http://help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html] Although there are a few traits listed that I don't share, they are very few indeed.
Reading through the DSM-IV and DSM-V criteria [http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b79de52e/wp_b79de52e.html], I'd still qualify, even after all these years. When I was younger, it would have been an open and shut case, as the HFA was for my niece.
Finally, in an effort to definitively confirm/refute/refine my suspicions, I took a few highly recommended online tests: [http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html]
1. Autistic/BAP
You scored 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.
2. AQ Score: 42 ( >32 indicates possible AS or HFA)
3. EQ: 18
SQ: 82
Extreme Systemizing (possible AS or HFA)
4. HSP: 18 ( >14 = Highly Sensitive Person and possible AS or HFA)
(5. is an Emotional Intelligence test that requires payment for the full results)
6. Reading the mind in the eyes' test (Baron-Cohen et al.)
28 (normal: 22-30)
7. Face Recognition: 59% (normal: 65% or higher)
8. Aspie Quiz
Your Aspie score: 142 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 64 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Of the 7 tests I have results for, the only one I tested normal on was "Reading the mind in the eyes"
Houston, we've found the problem. I'm an Aspie!
(the main dividing line between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism is delayed communication, especially speech. As far as I know, I started talking on time. In fact, I was reading at 4 years old.)
I was a bit stunned when I heard she had been diagnosed with Autism, and that it was so definite that she qualified for disability on the first try.
It took me a while to realize and face the full significance for me personally:
My niece is diagnosed with Autism
She and I are very much alike -- When I was her age, I wasn't doing much better than she is now.
. . . .could it be that I too am on the spectrum? I finally wondered.
I started reading everything I could find on Autism and Asperger's. The more I read, the more the past 50+ years began to make sense. I found a list of Aspie traits as it manifests in girls [http://help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html] Although there are a few traits listed that I don't share, they are very few indeed.
Reading through the DSM-IV and DSM-V criteria [http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b79de52e/wp_b79de52e.html], I'd still qualify, even after all these years. When I was younger, it would have been an open and shut case, as the HFA was for my niece.
Finally, in an effort to definitively confirm/refute/refine my suspicions, I took a few highly recommended online tests: [http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html]
1. Autistic/BAP
You scored 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.
2. AQ Score: 42 ( >32 indicates possible AS or HFA)
3. EQ: 18
SQ: 82
Extreme Systemizing (possible AS or HFA)
4. HSP: 18 ( >14 = Highly Sensitive Person and possible AS or HFA)
(5. is an Emotional Intelligence test that requires payment for the full results)
6. Reading the mind in the eyes' test (Baron-Cohen et al.)
28 (normal: 22-30)
7. Face Recognition: 59% (normal: 65% or higher)
8. Aspie Quiz
Your Aspie score: 142 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 64 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Of the 7 tests I have results for, the only one I tested normal on was "Reading the mind in the eyes"
Houston, we've found the problem. I'm an Aspie!
(the main dividing line between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism is delayed communication, especially speech. As far as I know, I started talking on time. In fact, I was reading at 4 years old.)
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