Over a year before my husband died, we decided that it was time for us to move -- I was newly unemployed and job hunting, the real estate market had radically changed in the past 10 years, and with retirement fast approaching, we both knew we didn't want to spend our retirement years here. Moving made perfect sense when he was alive -- better climate, reduced routine expenses, and closer to my family. It makes even more sense now that he's gone.
There's just one catch -- the move itself. Every time I"ve moved in the past, someone else had to handle the actual moves, and my stuff was in many boxes marked "misc". During the moves since my husband and I met, he handled everything almost completely. My responsibility was mostly centered around moving the critters, and getting Internet connected. I have so much trouble with moving that even though I've always hated the lowcountry climate since I first moved here with my family when I was 15, I still live in the same lowcountry town all these many years later. and now I have to orchestrate this move pretty much on my own.
Even moving desks at work would often result in a friend helping me, and indeed pushing a bit. Laura Nagle has suggested that Autists have emotions for which we do not as yet have names. For me, my "dislike" of moving could be one such emotion. This is an emotion that lay at a convergence of "fear of the unknown", "fear of failure", "overwhelming resistance to change", but at it's core is an extremely uncomfortable disruption in my routine that threatens to overwhelm into shutdown. As I've mentioned, I'm a pattern-thinker, and patterns don't easily translate into linear anything. The best way I can describe this pattern is to compare it to those optical illusion graphics that make one dizzy and nauseous.
This move will be a change for the better overall, but getting through it . . . .
As I've said many times on many subjects, firsts are always the hardest.
Yes, I do have family who can, and I have no doubt will, help if it comes down to that, but we have an elderly relative who is also moving and who also needs help and even NTs can only be spread so thin. 54 years old is plenty grown up even for an Aspie, and I'm determined to do this on my own as much as I am able.
Fortunately I'm in a financial position that allows a less than tight timeline for the move. This allows me to focus on simply making the move happen.
Since the overall picture is so overwhelming, to the point of threatening shutdown, I'm focusing on individual tasks that need to happen, with a "just don't look down" type of attitude. Just don't look at the overall pattern
My first priority was to find a house -- it would be easier to wrap my head around this if I know where I'm going. Currently I have found a property that is perfect for me, but there is a glitch with the title, so the purchase is in limbo for up to 2 months, until the seller clears the title. Frankly, limbo is working for me. I am reasonably certain I know where I'm going, but I have time before I can make this move.
The next priority is packing up this house. I'm dealing with this by trying to each day fill either a trash bag of stuff I'm not keeping, or filling at least one box of stuff I am keeping. This makes for a small manageable goal that can be done and dealt with before becoming overwhelming. This also make it part of my daily routine. The ultimate goal is to have everything not in routine use packed before the glitch with the title is resolved.
These days, most of my communications with she_who_should_have_been_born_my_twin_sister start with "today's progress:" followed by what I boxed up, threw out or what corner/cabinet I cleaned out.
I am, of course, planning to hire movers to haul everything to the new house, and may hire them snowplow stuff into boxes if I can't get it all boxed in time.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
How to survive the death of a loved one
Three months ago, my husband of many years had a fatal heart attack, and by all accounts had crossed over before the ambulance reached the hospital. I'm still a mess, but thought it might be helpful to other Aspies if I were to post some notes on ways I've found to manage.
* first off, breathe. Breathing out and breathing in work together. Make certain you do them both regularly. Life goes on; the living go on living.
Spending some time focusing your mind on breathing out and in can also help still and soothe your mind and heart and soul
* Remember to eat on schedule. Further upsetting your system by skipping meals isn't going to help.
* Cry. Just let go. Let it all out. Express your grief. When you feel like crying, cry and wail until you can cry no more. Nobody ever literally drowned in their own tears. In fact, I've often been amazed how quickly the storm of tears burns itself out, if I just give in and let them flow. If you are only comfortable crying in private, this will help you maintain control when others are around. Make certain to clear your sinuses after each round of tears, especially if you are prone to sinus infections.
* Simplify. This is a time to definitely put off to tomorrow anything doesn't need to happen today. Focus on what does need to get done. If all you feel up to doing that first week is wrapping your weighted blanket around you and just sit trying to absorb and process events, research the Jewish custom of Sitting Shiva. Frankly, this is the only funeral custom I've found that makes sense to me. ymmv
* Even NTs often reduce their level of social activity for a period of time after a death in their inner circle. If you feel something social would be too much for you in this time, just say so, in so many words. Remember most NTs recharge by being social, and have no idea that we do not. When declining social invitations, remember their intent was almost certainly to try to comfort. If you wish to see the person who issued the invitation, but just not now or yet, say so in so many words.
* if the dearly departed was also part of your daily routine, that routine is forever changed. Face this fact square on, and embrace it. There is no way to go back, the only way open is forward. You will have to establish new routines. One way to do this is to make some additional subtle changes to how you used to do things, to shift your focus away from the pain a bit.
* Stim early and often. Just as you would consume fluids ahead of perceived need while working out in the hot sun, stim ahead of perceived need during this time. Just be careful of less healthy food stims. If your best stim is hot fries, or other crunchy munchies, closely monitor and be aware of your intake, and try to find a healthier alternative (more on substituting healthier stims in an upcoming blog post).
* Firsts are always the hardest. Each repetition gets easier than that last. The first time I went to the grocery store I teared up, if not outright cried, over every item that was no longer on the grocery list. Three months later, I can even go past the coffee without tears.
* make at least some time for your special interests. When approaching special interests that bring back memories of the departed remember that firsts are the hardest, but it gets easier as you establish new habits. If it's too painful, you may need to, at least temporary, focus your attention elsewhere. If the special interest is a game, try making some change in how you play that makes it different from how you played with the departed. Once the initial pain wears off, these shared interests will become a comfort. While you may need to take it slow with them for a while, do not give up on them.
* If you are forced to attend services, recruit an NT (or at least more NT/functional than you are at the moment) friend or relative with whom you are comfortable and able to communicate, to accompany you. Let this friend carry the conversations if you aren't up to talking much.
* health issues that had long been successfully managed may well become worse due to the stress alone. Others that have not yet been diagnosed may well cross the threshold. If you have a history of glucose problems, go back to testing regularly for a few months.
If you notice you are no longer particularly sad, but you still feel like crud physically, get thee to a physician posthaste!
* each day look for a positive. Find one thing, however small, that brightens your day. Do not feel guilty if the positive is something like you can now go all out wild with hot peppers in the chili. When life gives you lemons, one does not feel guilty about enjoying the proverbial lemonade.
* Lastly, if someone you are comfortable around wishes to clean your kitchen for you, let him :-)
For family and friends of a grieving Aspie/Autie:
* lack of traditional emotional display does not indicate lack of feeling. It is far more likely to indicate too much overwhelming emotion, or a shutdown from too much overwhelming emotion and stress. Stims, including some that have been long dormant in public, may be seen. Excessive stimming, be it public or private, is itself a clear indicator of distress.
Also, emotional release requires letting one's guard down, letting the mask, rough and imperfect as it might be, we present to the public slip. For many of us, doing this in public is scary, and not easily done under good circumstances. If I cry in public, it is a clear indicator of endocrine dysfunction, and has been know to lead to full meltdown.
Several people have commented on how well I'm taking my husband's death -- Part of the reason I appear to be doing so well (1) is my deep faith in the existence of the afterlife, in fact a friend with known psychic abilities reported that night my husband was "dancing a jig" at the realization that the afterlife does exist. I have the comfort of being certain he is happier now than is ever possible while in physical. My grief is for myself, not for him (2) nobody has seen me weeping and wailing in the night . . . or the broad daylight -- I can only let go like that in private. In fact, when my father died, I'd go into the shower to cry because I couldn't even let go in front of my husband.
* Remember that for many of us, such extreme stresses have an extremely negative effect on ability to function. Spoken language may not be the language of thought, as many of us do our deepest thinking in pictures or patterns. As a direct result, every spoken communication not previously scripted needs to be translated before it can be said. Routine phrases and scripts may still be easy enough, while articulating deeper emotions may become far more difficult than normal for a time.
* Special interests are how we recharge. When under stress, of even mundane sources, it is very helpful is we are able to engage our special interests in peace. If an Aspie is not engaging in a special interest during this time, it is cause for concern.
* there will be a tendency to cling to whatever routine is left. This can result in the Aspie/Autie attempting to to more than is advisable at this time.
* keep in mind that for many of us, traditional services for the dead mean only the discomfort of being among people and trying to act "normal". This has nothing to do with how deeply we cared about the departed. Frankly I never feel close to the departed during a funeral service -- there is too much else going on for me to relax and tune in. If I want to feel close to my Mom, who was my best friend while she was alive, I don't go to her graveside, because, in my mind, all that is there is a vacant vehicle. I go to a garden, preferably one with roses in bloom. When I attend a funeral service, it is out of *respect* for the departed, or because I don't want said of me "She didn't even attend her own ___(fill in blank)__'s funeral". not because I have any particular desire to be there.
* first off, breathe. Breathing out and breathing in work together. Make certain you do them both regularly. Life goes on; the living go on living.
Spending some time focusing your mind on breathing out and in can also help still and soothe your mind and heart and soul
* Remember to eat on schedule. Further upsetting your system by skipping meals isn't going to help.
* Cry. Just let go. Let it all out. Express your grief. When you feel like crying, cry and wail until you can cry no more. Nobody ever literally drowned in their own tears. In fact, I've often been amazed how quickly the storm of tears burns itself out, if I just give in and let them flow. If you are only comfortable crying in private, this will help you maintain control when others are around. Make certain to clear your sinuses after each round of tears, especially if you are prone to sinus infections.
* Simplify. This is a time to definitely put off to tomorrow anything doesn't need to happen today. Focus on what does need to get done. If all you feel up to doing that first week is wrapping your weighted blanket around you and just sit trying to absorb and process events, research the Jewish custom of Sitting Shiva. Frankly, this is the only funeral custom I've found that makes sense to me. ymmv
* Even NTs often reduce their level of social activity for a period of time after a death in their inner circle. If you feel something social would be too much for you in this time, just say so, in so many words. Remember most NTs recharge by being social, and have no idea that we do not. When declining social invitations, remember their intent was almost certainly to try to comfort. If you wish to see the person who issued the invitation, but just not now or yet, say so in so many words.
* if the dearly departed was also part of your daily routine, that routine is forever changed. Face this fact square on, and embrace it. There is no way to go back, the only way open is forward. You will have to establish new routines. One way to do this is to make some additional subtle changes to how you used to do things, to shift your focus away from the pain a bit.
* Stim early and often. Just as you would consume fluids ahead of perceived need while working out in the hot sun, stim ahead of perceived need during this time. Just be careful of less healthy food stims. If your best stim is hot fries, or other crunchy munchies, closely monitor and be aware of your intake, and try to find a healthier alternative (more on substituting healthier stims in an upcoming blog post).
* Firsts are always the hardest. Each repetition gets easier than that last. The first time I went to the grocery store I teared up, if not outright cried, over every item that was no longer on the grocery list. Three months later, I can even go past the coffee without tears.
* make at least some time for your special interests. When approaching special interests that bring back memories of the departed remember that firsts are the hardest, but it gets easier as you establish new habits. If it's too painful, you may need to, at least temporary, focus your attention elsewhere. If the special interest is a game, try making some change in how you play that makes it different from how you played with the departed. Once the initial pain wears off, these shared interests will become a comfort. While you may need to take it slow with them for a while, do not give up on them.
* If you are forced to attend services, recruit an NT (or at least more NT/functional than you are at the moment) friend or relative with whom you are comfortable and able to communicate, to accompany you. Let this friend carry the conversations if you aren't up to talking much.
* health issues that had long been successfully managed may well become worse due to the stress alone. Others that have not yet been diagnosed may well cross the threshold. If you have a history of glucose problems, go back to testing regularly for a few months.
If you notice you are no longer particularly sad, but you still feel like crud physically, get thee to a physician posthaste!
* each day look for a positive. Find one thing, however small, that brightens your day. Do not feel guilty if the positive is something like you can now go all out wild with hot peppers in the chili. When life gives you lemons, one does not feel guilty about enjoying the proverbial lemonade.
* Lastly, if someone you are comfortable around wishes to clean your kitchen for you, let him :-)
For family and friends of a grieving Aspie/Autie:
* lack of traditional emotional display does not indicate lack of feeling. It is far more likely to indicate too much overwhelming emotion, or a shutdown from too much overwhelming emotion and stress. Stims, including some that have been long dormant in public, may be seen. Excessive stimming, be it public or private, is itself a clear indicator of distress.
Also, emotional release requires letting one's guard down, letting the mask, rough and imperfect as it might be, we present to the public slip. For many of us, doing this in public is scary, and not easily done under good circumstances. If I cry in public, it is a clear indicator of endocrine dysfunction, and has been know to lead to full meltdown.
Several people have commented on how well I'm taking my husband's death -- Part of the reason I appear to be doing so well (1) is my deep faith in the existence of the afterlife, in fact a friend with known psychic abilities reported that night my husband was "dancing a jig" at the realization that the afterlife does exist. I have the comfort of being certain he is happier now than is ever possible while in physical. My grief is for myself, not for him (2) nobody has seen me weeping and wailing in the night . . . or the broad daylight -- I can only let go like that in private. In fact, when my father died, I'd go into the shower to cry because I couldn't even let go in front of my husband.
* Remember that for many of us, such extreme stresses have an extremely negative effect on ability to function. Spoken language may not be the language of thought, as many of us do our deepest thinking in pictures or patterns. As a direct result, every spoken communication not previously scripted needs to be translated before it can be said. Routine phrases and scripts may still be easy enough, while articulating deeper emotions may become far more difficult than normal for a time.
* Special interests are how we recharge. When under stress, of even mundane sources, it is very helpful is we are able to engage our special interests in peace. If an Aspie is not engaging in a special interest during this time, it is cause for concern.
* there will be a tendency to cling to whatever routine is left. This can result in the Aspie/Autie attempting to to more than is advisable at this time.
* keep in mind that for many of us, traditional services for the dead mean only the discomfort of being among people and trying to act "normal". This has nothing to do with how deeply we cared about the departed. Frankly I never feel close to the departed during a funeral service -- there is too much else going on for me to relax and tune in. If I want to feel close to my Mom, who was my best friend while she was alive, I don't go to her graveside, because, in my mind, all that is there is a vacant vehicle. I go to a garden, preferably one with roses in bloom. When I attend a funeral service, it is out of *respect* for the departed, or because I don't want said of me "She didn't even attend her own ___(fill in blank)__'s funeral". not because I have any particular desire to be there.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
my Autistic Speaking Day post
It has only been a year since I realized that I am on the Autism spectrum. As with many spectrumites of my generation, this realization occurred in the wake of a member of a younger generation being diagnosed. I am still marveling at the fact that I am not a failure, lazy, crazy, stupid or a crybaby. Functioning in society truly isn't this hard for everyone.
Although I have only recently come to understand that this label applies to my reality, I have been living with Autism for over 50 years. As long as I can remember, I have always been out of step with the rest of the world, and try as I might, I could never quite figure out the reason, rhyme or rhythm of that step.
It's like being blind/deaf to the subtler nuances, and deeper currents of human interaction. Although I can sometimes puzzle it out after the fact, I still miss much in real time. Needless to say, the strain and stress of trying to anticipate what I am certain to be missing can be exhausting especially in new situations or around new people, and most especially when missing a cue is likely to cause something important to come crashing down around me. The anxiety over what I may be missing also wears on a person, and is something I must watch for because too much anxiety cascades into depression and eventually into complete shutdown.
It turns out one of my long-time health issues is related to being on the Autistic spectrum: Insomnia. My ability to sleep restfully improved greatly when I discovered Melatonin many years ago. Through trial and error over the years, I've found that 30mg a night usually gets me 6 to 7 hours of sleep. Usually . . if the room is dark . . and quiet . . . and I'm listening to music engineered to induce delta (deep sleep) waves in the brain. I don't need soothing lullabies. I need music with undertow.
Many of the communications problems spectrumites encounter seem to have their roots in the fact that our brains are actually wired differently, and there for function differently from those of neurotypicals. Some Autistics, like Dr Temple Grandin literally think in photorealistic pictures. Some think in words.
Some are pattern thinkers -- always looking for how each new bit of data connects with the others. A pattern is not easy to translate into a linear string of characters or sounds.
Even my writing is non-linear. I start by jotting down a few sentences on the page, like an artist sketching the outline of what he is planning to paint, then fill in line by line as the inspiration hits, frequently going back to touch up phrases that aren't quite right, or adding additional detail and flavor. The effort is time consuming and often draining, but I do often get complements on the result.
But you know what? even with the challenges and pain, I would not trade my reality for another. There is much in my life that brings me happiness that I would not wish to forfeit. Not just my husband, who I would never have met were it not for my special interest in ancient history (yes, contrary to popular stereotype, I'm female and many years married ).
The official Autistic Speaking Day blog (http://autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com/) describes this holiday's purpose as "To raising Autism awareness and Acceptance, and battling negative stereotypes about Autism."
Acceptance. to be accepted as I am.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if people understood that social ability is not the only measure of working ability? or a measure of the sum total of a person's intelligence?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to pass for neurotypical during a job interview, I could just say: "I'm an Aspie. These are my special interests and this is how they map to this job" It would be wonderful and would certainly tell them more about my ability to do the job than all those silly questions about improbable scenarios that HR is usually so fond of.
It would also be wonderful to be able to seek official diagnosis and advice without fear of discrimination by medical insurance companies and employers.
Although I have only recently come to understand that this label applies to my reality, I have been living with Autism for over 50 years. As long as I can remember, I have always been out of step with the rest of the world, and try as I might, I could never quite figure out the reason, rhyme or rhythm of that step.
It's like being blind/deaf to the subtler nuances, and deeper currents of human interaction. Although I can sometimes puzzle it out after the fact, I still miss much in real time. Needless to say, the strain and stress of trying to anticipate what I am certain to be missing can be exhausting especially in new situations or around new people, and most especially when missing a cue is likely to cause something important to come crashing down around me. The anxiety over what I may be missing also wears on a person, and is something I must watch for because too much anxiety cascades into depression and eventually into complete shutdown.
It turns out one of my long-time health issues is related to being on the Autistic spectrum: Insomnia. My ability to sleep restfully improved greatly when I discovered Melatonin many years ago. Through trial and error over the years, I've found that 30mg a night usually gets me 6 to 7 hours of sleep. Usually . . if the room is dark . . and quiet . . . and I'm listening to music engineered to induce delta (deep sleep) waves in the brain. I don't need soothing lullabies. I need music with undertow.
Many of the communications problems spectrumites encounter seem to have their roots in the fact that our brains are actually wired differently, and there for function differently from those of neurotypicals. Some Autistics, like Dr Temple Grandin literally think in photorealistic pictures. Some think in words.
Some are pattern thinkers -- always looking for how each new bit of data connects with the others. A pattern is not easy to translate into a linear string of characters or sounds.
Even my writing is non-linear. I start by jotting down a few sentences on the page, like an artist sketching the outline of what he is planning to paint, then fill in line by line as the inspiration hits, frequently going back to touch up phrases that aren't quite right, or adding additional detail and flavor. The effort is time consuming and often draining, but I do often get complements on the result.
But you know what? even with the challenges and pain, I would not trade my reality for another. There is much in my life that brings me happiness that I would not wish to forfeit. Not just my husband, who I would never have met were it not for my special interest in ancient history (yes, contrary to popular stereotype, I'm female and many years married ).
The official Autistic Speaking Day blog (http://autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com/) describes this holiday's purpose as "To raising Autism awareness and Acceptance, and battling negative stereotypes about Autism."
Acceptance. to be accepted as I am.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if people understood that social ability is not the only measure of working ability? or a measure of the sum total of a person's intelligence?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if instead of trying to pass for neurotypical during a job interview, I could just say: "I'm an Aspie. These are my special interests and this is how they map to this job" It would be wonderful and would certainly tell them more about my ability to do the job than all those silly questions about improbable scenarios that HR is usually so fond of.
It would also be wonderful to be able to seek official diagnosis and advice without fear of discrimination by medical insurance companies and employers.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Tools for the AspieEdge
The theory that I'm an Aspie does, however, present a whole new arsenal of tools and techniques to hack whatever I find in my path:
* weighted blankets: I've always found that I sleep better on cold nights when I can pile blankets on the bed, so after reading about weighted blankets, I bought 25# of pellets and some muslin and made me one -- I absolutely love it! because I wanted to keep the weight under 20# for the sake of the washing machine, it is only 36" by 42". The plan is to add another panel should it be needed to make it full sized. The first time I pulled it over me, I just melted into the bed. The continual race of ideas and thoughts slowed and stilled, even more than during meditation. The next morning I seriously wondered if I had made it too heavy because I woke with all over muscle aches, but pondering it over the next few days I realized that the aches were from sleeping so very soundly.
* stimming: Stims are ways Autistics calm and normalize their nervous systems, with rocking, spinning and flapping being the most stereotypical. I've always loved rocking chairs. Now I know why. I remember enjoying spinning around until I dizzily fell into the couch when I was a kid, so I tried spinning. For safety's sake, I do it by the kitchen sink, where I can keep one hand firmly on the counter at all times. This proved to be the perfect remedy to prevent an impending stress-induced meltdown or even shutdown.
* books such as _A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior _ by Ian Ford helped me understand why some of the things I have, over the years, found to work do work. Such as making certain I warmly greet co-workers when I first encounter them in the morning, or warmly asking how their weekend was on Mondays.
* Aspie/Autie forums such as Wrong Planet (http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html): When I first started reading WrongPlanet, I felt like I had come home.
* nutrition: although I do not appear to have any problems with gluten or casein, boosting my intake of some of the aminos does seem to help. Most of these I was already taking because I tried them for other issues and discovered that they work for me.
* weighted blankets: I've always found that I sleep better on cold nights when I can pile blankets on the bed, so after reading about weighted blankets, I bought 25# of pellets and some muslin and made me one -- I absolutely love it! because I wanted to keep the weight under 20# for the sake of the washing machine, it is only 36" by 42". The plan is to add another panel should it be needed to make it full sized. The first time I pulled it over me, I just melted into the bed. The continual race of ideas and thoughts slowed and stilled, even more than during meditation. The next morning I seriously wondered if I had made it too heavy because I woke with all over muscle aches, but pondering it over the next few days I realized that the aches were from sleeping so very soundly.
* stimming: Stims are ways Autistics calm and normalize their nervous systems, with rocking, spinning and flapping being the most stereotypical. I've always loved rocking chairs. Now I know why. I remember enjoying spinning around until I dizzily fell into the couch when I was a kid, so I tried spinning. For safety's sake, I do it by the kitchen sink, where I can keep one hand firmly on the counter at all times. This proved to be the perfect remedy to prevent an impending stress-induced meltdown or even shutdown.
* books such as _A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior _ by Ian Ford helped me understand why some of the things I have, over the years, found to work do work. Such as making certain I warmly greet co-workers when I first encounter them in the morning, or warmly asking how their weekend was on Mondays.
* Aspie/Autie forums such as Wrong Planet (http://www.wrongplanet.net/forums.html): When I first started reading WrongPlanet, I felt like I had come home.
* nutrition: although I do not appear to have any problems with gluten or casein, boosting my intake of some of the aminos does seem to help. Most of these I was already taking because I tried them for other issues and discovered that they work for me.
Monday, April 30, 2012
To diagnose or not to diagnose?
OK, so I'm about 95% certain that I have Asperger's, and the remaining 5% is because nobody remembers if my speech was delayed. (by age 53, delayed speech is the only difference between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism.)
The next question is whether to seek an official diagnosis or not.
In favor of an official diagnosis:
* Stand up and be counted.
* should I need accommodation, an official diagnosis would legally require that accommodations be made.
Against seeking an official diagnosis:
* It's expensive
* It might cause future problems with medical insurance.
* Finding someone qualified, or even able, let alone willing, to diagnose a _53_year_old_ _woman_ who has been able to hold a job for up to 10 years straight will be a problem unto itself.
* Most "experts" require childhood history from the parents - to prove that the traits have been present since birth. While it does make sense since Autism is neurological, it does pose quite a problem for those who were not diagnosed while young. Both my folks are dead, and being the eldest child, there is nobody left alive that remembers my childhood with any clarity. My only sibling is four and a half years younger -- even his earliest recollections will be too late.
* There are no programs for senior Aspies. "Modern" science barely even acknowledges that we exists at all.
* there is no prescription medication for Asperger's -- should I find need something for one of the symptoms, like depression, insomnia, anxiety, or focusing on something outside my current special interests, I can get the prescription for that particular symptom far more easily.
* Given the state of "modern" medicine, and my basic opinion thereof, having an expert agree with me will not make me any more certain, nor will the expert disagreeing with me make me any less certain.
Bottom line: Why bother? There's lots of downside and no usable upside -- If any accommodations are needed and my boss isn't accommodating, then I need to practice frugality and my job hunting skills anyway -- If they want me gone, they'll find a way. Any prescription medication that I may find I need would be for symptoms that can easily be diagnosed individually.
The next question is whether to seek an official diagnosis or not.
In favor of an official diagnosis:
* Stand up and be counted.
* should I need accommodation, an official diagnosis would legally require that accommodations be made.
Against seeking an official diagnosis:
* It's expensive
* It might cause future problems with medical insurance.
* Finding someone qualified, or even able, let alone willing, to diagnose a _53_year_old_ _woman_ who has been able to hold a job for up to 10 years straight will be a problem unto itself.
* Most "experts" require childhood history from the parents - to prove that the traits have been present since birth. While it does make sense since Autism is neurological, it does pose quite a problem for those who were not diagnosed while young. Both my folks are dead, and being the eldest child, there is nobody left alive that remembers my childhood with any clarity. My only sibling is four and a half years younger -- even his earliest recollections will be too late.
* There are no programs for senior Aspies. "Modern" science barely even acknowledges that we exists at all.
* there is no prescription medication for Asperger's -- should I find need something for one of the symptoms, like depression, insomnia, anxiety, or focusing on something outside my current special interests, I can get the prescription for that particular symptom far more easily.
* Given the state of "modern" medicine, and my basic opinion thereof, having an expert agree with me will not make me any more certain, nor will the expert disagreeing with me make me any less certain.
Bottom line: Why bother? There's lots of downside and no usable upside -- If any accommodations are needed and my boss isn't accommodating, then I need to practice frugality and my job hunting skills anyway -- If they want me gone, they'll find a way. Any prescription medication that I may find I need would be for symptoms that can easily be diagnosed individually.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Discovery
Of the three young ladies who I claim as my nieces, the one I've always had the most in common with is my bestest friend's little girl. We both love computers, critters and books, and we both had all kinds of trouble with school, in spite of being smart and getting excellent grades. When she graduated from High School, she had a myriad of social challenges and phobias that were very similar to what I fought when I was her age.
I was a bit stunned when I heard she had been diagnosed with Autism, and that it was so definite that she qualified for disability on the first try.
It took me a while to realize and face the full significance for me personally:
My niece is diagnosed with Autism
She and I are very much alike -- When I was her age, I wasn't doing much better than she is now.
. . . .could it be that I too am on the spectrum? I finally wondered.
I started reading everything I could find on Autism and Asperger's. The more I read, the more the past 50+ years began to make sense. I found a list of Aspie traits as it manifests in girls [http://help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html] Although there are a few traits listed that I don't share, they are very few indeed.
Reading through the DSM-IV and DSM-V criteria [http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b79de52e/wp_b79de52e.html], I'd still qualify, even after all these years. When I was younger, it would have been an open and shut case, as the HFA was for my niece.
Finally, in an effort to definitively confirm/refute/refine my suspicions, I took a few highly recommended online tests: [http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html]
1. Autistic/BAP
You scored 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.
2. AQ Score: 42 ( >32 indicates possible AS or HFA)
3. EQ: 18
SQ: 82
Extreme Systemizing (possible AS or HFA)
4. HSP: 18 ( >14 = Highly Sensitive Person and possible AS or HFA)
(5. is an Emotional Intelligence test that requires payment for the full results)
6. Reading the mind in the eyes' test (Baron-Cohen et al.)
28 (normal: 22-30)
7. Face Recognition: 59% (normal: 65% or higher)
8. Aspie Quiz
Your Aspie score: 142 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 64 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Of the 7 tests I have results for, the only one I tested normal on was "Reading the mind in the eyes"
Houston, we've found the problem. I'm an Aspie!
(the main dividing line between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism is delayed communication, especially speech. As far as I know, I started talking on time. In fact, I was reading at 4 years old.)
I was a bit stunned when I heard she had been diagnosed with Autism, and that it was so definite that she qualified for disability on the first try.
It took me a while to realize and face the full significance for me personally:
My niece is diagnosed with Autism
She and I are very much alike -- When I was her age, I wasn't doing much better than she is now.
. . . .could it be that I too am on the spectrum? I finally wondered.
I started reading everything I could find on Autism and Asperger's. The more I read, the more the past 50+ years began to make sense. I found a list of Aspie traits as it manifests in girls [http://help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/wp_a58d4f6a.html] Although there are a few traits listed that I don't share, they are very few indeed.
Reading through the DSM-IV and DSM-V criteria [http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_b79de52e/wp_b79de52e.html], I'd still qualify, even after all these years. When I was younger, it would have been an open and shut case, as the HFA was for my niece.
Finally, in an effort to definitively confirm/refute/refine my suspicions, I took a few highly recommended online tests: [http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html]
1. Autistic/BAP
You scored 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.
2. AQ Score: 42 ( >32 indicates possible AS or HFA)
3. EQ: 18
SQ: 82
Extreme Systemizing (possible AS or HFA)
4. HSP: 18 ( >14 = Highly Sensitive Person and possible AS or HFA)
(5. is an Emotional Intelligence test that requires payment for the full results)
6. Reading the mind in the eyes' test (Baron-Cohen et al.)
28 (normal: 22-30)
7. Face Recognition: 59% (normal: 65% or higher)
8. Aspie Quiz
Your Aspie score: 142 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 64 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Of the 7 tests I have results for, the only one I tested normal on was "Reading the mind in the eyes"
Houston, we've found the problem. I'm an Aspie!
(the main dividing line between Asperger's and High Functioning Autism is delayed communication, especially speech. As far as I know, I started talking on time. In fact, I was reading at 4 years old.)
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